Battling Cancer

Like a Snoopy cartoon, the teacher is speaking to you, but it sounds like white noise as your mind comes to grips with–the diagnosis.

The diagnosis becomes a turning point.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief from her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, explains the stages which apply to any life changing event, including the diagnosis of cancer. The stages are not simply about death, but reflect the loss of life as you know it.

1. Denial–refusal, either conscious or unconcious to accept the facts

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Recently, I have spent most of my day in intimate contact with a number of newly diagnosed cancer patients and their families. I’ve written this guide specifically from the view of the recently diagnosed for their friends, family and acquaintances of people with cancer. This is the third installment of the series — you can read part one here and part two here. 

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This is the second installment of a continuing series for friends, family and acquaintances of people with cancer. You can read part one here.

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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my friend’s recent cancer diagnosis in the last few days. I think I’m coming to realize that you or a person you love becomes sick, it’s natural reaction to feel as if you’re the only person in the world who has ever been through that situation before.

In the spirit of strength in numbers, I’m compiled 20 positive and supportive internet communities for cancer patients, survivors and their family and friends. I hope that you find them useful!

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I met my friend M. while she was doing an undergraduate summer internship in a cancer research at the university where I worked. A year later, she joined my school as a PhD student and I trained her when she did a research rotation in my laboratory. About this time last year, she had a night on the town cut short by sudden, uncontrollable bleeding. She went home feeling pretty sick, and later that night, her boyfriend rushed her to the emergency room. Later on that week, she was told that that she had cancer.

We were friends — not best friends, but close enough where we regularly shared stories about our wacky families and our mutual fear that a life at the bench might not be for us, met for lunch, and watched basketball games when we could. In the months that followed, we got a lot closer. I visited her in her emergency hospitalizations, helped her sort through the business of hospital billing, and drove her to her specialist appointments four hours away at Johns Hopkins University. We even ended up being interviewed for a “Dateline” special together for a documentary on cancer patients!

In the time that she wasn’t in the hospital or at home recovering from procedures, we spent a lot of time talking. She told me all about how she wanted her life to be as normal as possible, so whenever I called her, we talked about the most mundane things like the latest gossip about our coworkers and the quirks about our bosses.

The thing that she didn’t know was that it was actually really hard for me to act like things were normal. I didn’t know why, but sometimes the prospect of talking to her was sometimes really daunting for me. Sometimes I wouldn’t respond to her email and phone calls right away. I hated it because I wanted to be a good friend to her, but I didn’t know how to deal with what I was feeling. I’m ashamed to say that the reason was that I just felt uncomfortable being reminded with the fact that she had cancer — and it could have been me!

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By Laurie Marbas

When my grandmother, Grams, came to live with us in 1997 she was depressed and a shell of person that I had known in my childhood. She came to us because she was leaving a violent marriage of 20 years. The Grams of my youth was vibrant and energetic, spending many summers with my younger sister and I shopping or playing miniature golf. But that cold day in April of 1997 I saw a sad hunched over figure in a wheelchair being wheeled off the airplane. I almost did not recognize her.

Grams settled into our home, spending many hours with my young daughter, Emily, looking at the stars and discussing what to wish for. Over the course of the next 7 months her divorce was finalized and we moved from Ohio to Texas closer to my mother. By this point I was beginning to see shimmers of happiness and energy from Grams, but on occasion she would fall back into the depths of depression. She struggled with being dependent on us for everything and pushed away opportunities of socializing with others outside the family.

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By Charles Kassotis

Do you know someone with cancer? A cancer diagnosis can be crippling in itself, inciting fear and anxiety over an unknown or perhaps dreaded future. Victims worry about their health, their looks, and their families when a doctor pronounces this terrible sentence. If a friend or family member is struggling with one of the many forms of cancer, your support and encouragement are likely to be most welcome.

But how do you help someone who has cancer? There are several things you can do to make your friend or loved one feel more at ease.

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Great Advice!

DON’T BE AFRAID TO ADDRESS ISSUE DIRECTLY, DOCTOR SAYS …

If someone close to you has cancer, it’s often hard to know what to say or do. Dr. Richard J. Shaw of Lucile Salter Packard Children’s Hospital at Stanford offers these tips to help make the situation more comfortable for everyone involved:

• Instead of simply telling someone who has cancer to “get well soon,” or “stay strong,” ask them how they feel, whether they want to talk about their experiences, and how you can help them.

• Don’t be afraid to talk about your own feelings, but try to do so calmly. You don’t want the patient to have to console you.

• The disease is not a forbidden discussion topic. Don’t be afraid to say the word “cancer” and directly address the issue when talking to someone who has it. To most patients, it’s a relief to talk to someone who is comfortable with the topic.

• There can be a lot of secrecy surrounding the disease, and that often affects families. Shaw suggests that families see therapists together and that parents should include all family members in discussions so other children do not feel left out or worried about their sibling.

• Both the cancer patient and his or her family should look into support groups. Shaw said that some patients (and their family members) don’t want to share all the details of their experience because they don’t want to burden the person with whom they are speaking. However, group sessions with people who have had similar experiences often help.

– Lena Wong,

Mountain View High School

[SOURCE: MercuryNews.com | 04/25/2006 | When someone you know has cancer